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Michael Mock was born at eight in the morning on a dark, rainy night, in the midst of a total eclipse of the stars. As a result, he has no astrological sign, and his fate is entirely self-determined. From an early age, it was clear that he was destined for greatness: he was brilliantly precocious, handsome, athletic, and charming.

His parents were Thomas and Clair Mock (of the Zimbabwe Mocks). Thomas Mock, you will recall, was an award-winning researcher in the field of Abnormal Psychology, with an emphasis on how to cause it. He is perhaps best known for the series of experiments in which he convinced a once-reputable CPA that he was, in fact, a budgie. Clair’s career as a performance artist combined her two great passions (violin music and chemical/biological warfare), and she is fondly remembered in philanthropic circles for her work with orphans. Indeed, one of her Chicago performances reportedly doubled the number of orphans in the city.

As a young man, Michael’s prodigious talents manifested in many areas. At age eight he won renown as a scholar for his translation of Sir Daniel Moore’s infamous Black Book. That the original manuscript and all copies of the translation were seized by Church authorities and burned should only be taken as a tribute to his skill. His athletic prowess was nothing short of amazing; by age twelve his school had forbidden him to participate in intramural sports unless he played an entire team by himself, and even then he usually won. Other children might have attracted envy or dislike for daring to display such skills, but Michael’s charm and good looks were irresistible (much to the chagrin of the young miss Molly Harbinger and her parents).

Having far surpassed the state’s requirements for a basic education by age thirteen, Michael entered the University system with the bright hope of finding like-minded individuals with whom he could exchange ideas and explore new avenues of research. He departed two years later, disappointed by the realization that the University not only refused to support his experiments, but wouldn’t permit them to be conducted under any circumstance. His plans to conquer the world with an army of fanatically loyal Killer Muppets would have to wait.

His achievements had not gone entirely unnoticed, however. In the fall of that year, he was contacted by Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny with a job offer. A conglomerate of major toy companies were trying to take over all the holidays. They already owned Halloween and Thanksgiving outright, and St. Patrick’s Day was being run by one of their dummy corporations. Michael’s job would be to infiltrate the conglomerate, discover the details of the fiendish plans, and put a stop to them before they could ruin Christmas. With the help of his talking dog Rex, Michael broke into the fortress-like headquarters of World Toys Incorporated and escaped with the secret plan. Now all he had to do was put a stop to it. With only a quarter of the year remaining (and Christmas advertising already going up in stores) Michael took a job with Mattel and used their factory to create an army of robotic zombie cabbage-patch kids. With his forces in place, he sent an ultimatum to the conglomerate: leave the holidays alone, or he would turn the toys loose. Faced with overwhelming odds, the corporations relented and Christmas was saved. No one knows what became of the robotic zombie cabbage-patch kids, though.

Tiring of scientific research and world conquest, Michael set himself a new goal: he would become… an author.